Feb 27/12 - Good Times, Good Times...

I've been back to the gym now for a week and I'm sooo happy to be there! The first day was brutal but by the second I was feeling much more like myself.  It's probably the best stress reliever I've ever had and when I'm done a workout I feel so relaxed. I highly recommend it!!

So a few days ago my husband and I ordered thai food. It's my special treat that we get once in a blue moon and I've been fine with it. But for some reason it DID NOT agree with me and boy o boy did I ever dump!! I don't know if it has to do with the lack of gallbladder... But I will now be crossing Thai food off my list. Someone made a comment and it totally applie to me that day... And many others:

My stomach sounds like I swallowed Chewbacca.

I find that once something makes me dump I have no desire to have it again!!! At least it's good to know that my pouch is still working!  There are times when it doesn't even feel like I've had surgery. 

My husband had his 25th Birthday party on the weekend and what a blast! We had such a great time and soo many of our friends came out to share it with us. It was one of the best nights I've had in a really really long time. I had 3 drinks that night (crystal light mixed with a little vodka) Only 50 calories per drink. 

The problem was that I had all three drinks within the first hour or so. I was feeling pretty tipsy so I stopped drinking and for the rest of the night stuck to just crystal light. I was glad I did and I still had just as much fun as if I was drinking! I hate the feeling of being out of control and anyone who has had the gastric bypass can tell you how fast that can happen!! One glass of wine and I'm slurring my words and can't walk straight!!!!

Everyone seemed to have a great time though and my house came through unscathed !! Nothing broken and no drama... I may consider doing it again sometime... Maybe next year lol even though I stopped drinking... I'm way to old to be staying up till 4am.  I'm still feeling the effects of it!

I can't even express enough how kind everyone was and how grateful I am for all the wonderful things they were saying to me about my weight loss. I know I've touched on this topic before but I still find it so awkward !! As much as I really do love to hear it and it means so much... I don't know how to respond without blushing and looking away. I say thank you but i don't want to come across conceited...  It actually makes me embarrassed.  People tell me I'll get used to it but I'm not so sure!

I'm really liking the fact that I've been able to pre make my meals for the week. It's been a god send!  Keeps me from worrying about how much protein I need and how much I've eaten. Everything is cooked and measured in the fridge. Stress free!

The other thing that has been a godsend to me is my iPhone !  Being able to listen to music... Not only can it be inspiring and uplifting but it makes me WANT to walk places!  And I've been downloading really fast songs with a good beat... It makes me walk even faster!! One of the songs I've been in love with lately is "I'm Not Afraid" by Eminem. Even though he has a bit of a potty mouth I feel like I can connect with many parts. 

[Chorus:]

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)

To take a stand (to take a stand)

Everybody (everybody)

Come take my hand (come take my hand)

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]

Yeah, it's been a ride

I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one

Now some of you, might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin mayhem

When I say I'ma do somethin I do it,

I don't give a damn what you think,

I'm doin this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stoppin me

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony

No if ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he

From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album

he's still shittin, whether he's on salary paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge

to pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that

Fuck your feelings, instead of gettin crowned you're gettin capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD was ehhh

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't goin back to that now

All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow

Cause I ain't playin around

It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin black cloud

still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons

These motherfuckers are doin jumpin jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons

I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally

for you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through

And don't even realize what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

my world, haters can make like bees with no stingers

and drop dead, no more beef flingers

No more drama from now on, I promise

to focus solely on handlin my responsibilities as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters

and raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it!

Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar

I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazin at stars

I feel amazing

[Chorus]

Feb 21/12 - Happy Days :)

It was my daughters 11th  birthday yesterday so we had a big party for her Sunday night. We took her and 8 of her friends to the movies and then she had a few friends sleep over. It was a long night but better than I expected it to be! Thankfully I had my husband there to help... I'm so glad he came!  I'm still in awe of how I fit into the seats at the movies... Makes me smile every time.   

Also I went to the bank last weekend and the cashier asked me if I had a sister who worked with me at Stinger.. LoL she didn't realize it was me :) Thats starting to happen quite a bit now and it makes me laugh. Its a good motivator !!!

I'm finally headed back to the gym tomorrow and I'm super excited about it!  It's been too long and I'm glad to be back into my routine. 

I cooked up a storm yesterday... Made homemade ground turkey pasta sauce and used spaghetti squash instead of actual spaghetti.  It was so good!  I made my meals for the week and it's nice to be prepared and not have to worry about what I'm going to eat last minute. 

Tomorrow is my husbands 25th birthday ( yes I know I'm a cradle robber lol) We're having a big party for him on Saturday.. He deserves it so much!! I can't wait to spend a night with all of our friends.. Ive become a bit of a hermit since my surgery and I miss being around friends.  (plus I bought a new outfit that I can't wait to wear :)

I checked out my BMI today...Even though I don't really think the guidelines are realistic I was curious. 

My starting BMI was 56 which put me in the super morbidly obese category.  My BMI is now 34 which puts me in the Class 1 Obese category.  Once I hit 29 I'll be just overweight. I think it's ridiculous that they think a heathy weight for me is 130 pounds. Never gonna happen!!!

But regardless.... Going down 22 points it's pretty awesome. 

Even though I have lost ALMOST half the woman I was... I feel like I have become twice the woman I never thought I could be. ....

If that makes any sense at all. 

( it did in my head)

Now that I am feeling more like myself... It's a lot easier to be motivated and excited about the future. 

Bring it on. 

Feb 14/12 - Happy Valentine's Day !!

I am so lucky to have the love in my life that I do. From my children and husband... To my family and friends. I know a lot of people think Valentines Day is silly and just another excuse to spend money but I don't think there is anything wrong with showing a little extra love once in a while!!!

Today also marks the 8 month anniversary of my Gastric Bypass. Today I am down 124 pounds. I have gone from 334 lbs to 210 lbs. and I am pretty proud of that!!!

I know I have been down lately but I think I was just mostly off because of my surgery and infection. I'm feeling much more optimistic and back to my old self!  I have my OA meeting on Thursday AND my first day back at the gym in three weeks! I can't wait to get back into my routine. I've really missed the gym... It's become my stress reliever!! 

I just wanted to share a picture of my most favorite thing to do these days lol something I try to do as much as possible now that I can do it again ;)

Thank you for bearing with me and listening to my rants.  I couldn't do this without all of your love and support!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Feb 13/12 - On the bright side...

I'm happy to say that I am finally feeling better. I'm still a bit off and definitely still healing but the antibiotics are doing their job for sure!

I decided to do some retail therapy the other day and it really does work! I felt so much better after even though the pants and top that I bought were too big!  I really need to start trying things on in the store!! Such a bad habit that I've always had. 

And then I was able to open my Valentines Day presents early on Saturday since I have to work all day tomorrow. My husband bought me a beautiful watch and a Coach wallet and flowers.  I'm super spoiled!

 We had a great evening and spent some time with friends. It was really nice to get out for a bit.  I was even ok when they ordered late night Chinese food.. I just had a few nibbles of my husbands broccoli. 

Last night I went to the movies with some friends to see "The Vow" a very sappy Valentines Day movie lol  I enjoyed it and it was crazy how much my husband is like Channing Tatum in the movie... How someone can love me as much as he does... Amazing. And I VOW never to take that love for granted ;)

While I was there I thought I would be so good and not get popcorn or anything carby... So I just got a non fat, no sugar frozen yogurt   I thought it would be a good option but apparently not!  

I spent about a half hour in the bathroom when I got home having come back out of both ends!!!  I think I'll go back to bringing my own snacks to the movies!!!!

I'm still having a lot of emotional issues surrounding my weight loss but I'm really trying to stay positive and remember why I did it in the first place. I have decided to join Overeaters Anonymous.  I think being in a support group and dealing with the emotional aspects.. not just focusing on the weightloss and numbers will help.  

One of the ladies from the Bariatric Bad Girls Club named Carla posted this saying the other day: 

WLS: because we want quality not quantity. 

Straight to the point and I couldn't have said it better myself!!!!

Feb 11/12 - Ultrasounds, X-rays, I.Vs ... Oh My!!

So Wednesday night around 7 pm I started to have really bad sharp pains in my abdomen... At first I thought it was from my dinner because I had just finished some salad and I thought it wasn't sitting right. When the pain was still there at 8 I started to get worried. I couldn't breathe or talk without it hurting.  I laid on the couch and tried not to make a big deal out of it because I didn't want the kids to worry. 

When the pain was worse by 9pm I knew I had to go back to the hospital. I didn't want to risk it this time.  I snuck out while the kids were in bed ( thankfully Mike was home)

It was a very busy night in the ER. I signed in and got "fast tracked" to the Yellow Zone along with about 50 other people!  My heart sank when I saw everyone. 

I was in more pain than I thought was possible... Even after Gastic and having my Gallbladder out.  

After about an hour I was brought in to see the nurse, who did my blood work etc, and put an IV in my arm which was hooked up to nothing lol I asked her how long she thought it would be before seeing the doctor and she said "you saw everyone out there right? I don't wanna lie to you"

So I was sent back out to the waiting room where I had to sit beside this woman who was talking non stop and eating a sub which was making me so nauseous!  I was writhing in pain and on the verge of tears and finally at midnight they brought me into a room to wait for the doctor. It was still another hour though before he came in to see me. When he did he told me they would get me some pain meds and send me for some X-rays. 

The nurse (who by the way was absolutely amazing the whole night.. I really wish I could remember her name!!) hooked up my IV and gave me some gravol and morphine.  She had to flush my IV first because I had gone so long with nothing in it.. It hurt real bad. 

It took about another hour before the meds started to kick in a bit to take the edge off. They wanted to get me comfortable before sending me for X-rays. I just wanted to get it over with.  I had the worst time trying to get undressed while hooked up to the IV. It was very hard to maneuver!  They took about 5 X-rays and sent me back to the room. 

I was in so much pain and I honestly couldn't understand why. The nurse gave me so much morphine but for some reason it wasn't working and at about 3am they switched it to something much stronger and that did the trick!  

They ended up keeping me for the night because they wanted me to go for a ultrasound first thing in the morning.  So I spent the night in a chair hopped up on pain meds sleeping for about 10 minutes at a time. Not a good night. 

Thankfully my mother-in-law was able to come over in the morning to make sure the kids got to school ok since Mike had to go to work. 

They finally sent me for the ultrasound around 9:30am... So by this time it had been more than 14 hours since I had anything to eat or drink.  Two different ladies poked and proded my belly from all angles. I was so out of it I couldn't even walk on my own and they had me in a wheelchair. 

They sent me back to the room to wait for the doctor again. At 11:30 he came in to tell me what I already knew. I have an infection in my navel.. In the incision from my gallbladder surgery.  He said that is what brought on the pain and that is what is causing the hard lump and the "leakage". He prescribed me some antibiotics and some more T3s (I now have a lifetime supply) and finally discharged me. 

I was lucky that my boss was right up the road and very kindly offered to give me a ride home. I spent the whole day sleeping and I finally feel better. I do have to say that the antibiotics are big and gross and smell like cat pee and I have to take 4 a day. 

I'm pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I'm so scared to eat. I'm nervous that everything is going to make me sick and cause me pain. 

I go to see my doctor next week for my follow up. I hope he has some answers for me.  

Feb 5/12 - Down and out.

Yesterday I got the chance to spend the day with most of my brothers and sisters .. ( by most I mean 5 out of 8) and of course my brothers and sisters in law, my nieces and nephews and my mom and step dad.  I love being surround by family. It's such a safe comfortable feeling. I just wish we could do it more often!

It's a constant non stop chatter that only someone in our family could handle for more than a few hours!!

There were lots of questions about how I'm doing after my gallbladder surgery.. And how I'm feeling in general. 

I don't know why... Maybe because I was with my mother and sisters... But I broke down crying. I think I'm a little overwhelmed with my life right now and it all came out last night. 

I don't know if I'm depressed or just tired or still worn out from surgery but something is off with me lately. I've been very emotional and hard on myself. I'm starting to really dislike my body and the horrible amounts of sagging jiggly skin. Knowing that reconstructive surgery may be out of my reach for a very long time... If not forever... Doesn't give me much hope for feeling better about it either. 

I wanted this sooo bad. I was so determined to rock my WLS and show everyone how great it is and how well I've done... But it's so hard to keep up with myself sometimes. I'm still losing weight... Im down 117 pounds in less than 8 months.  I'm still getting my protein in and trying to take all of my vitamins ( a daily struggle in itself) but I feel like I've failed mentally and emotionally.  I can't get the fat girl out of my head. 

I'm tired. Life gets in the way. I have so much stress at home... And I think I may be breaking a bit. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret doing this. Everything happens for a reason and I believe that completely but my mom asked me last night if I would do it again... And I said no. Now if she had asked me next week on a good day.. Maybe my answer would be yes. So take everything I say with a grain of salt because it could just be my emotions talking!

It's hard to talk about this because everyone thinks I'm doing great and I don't want to disappoint them. Especially people who have had the surgery. We look at Gastric Bypass like we've been given a gift, which we have and I don't want them to think that I'm ungrateful.  I think I just wasn't  as prepared for all the changes and hurdles that have happened so fast as I thought I was!!

Feb 4/12 - I Can Do It!

I finally got my tattoo!  I have thought about what tattoo I would get when I lost 100 pounds since before I even had my Gastric Bypass... and I really wasn't sure for a long time if it would even happen!  Its been a long road getting here and even though I'm not quite done yet.. I am so proud of my WLS tattoo.  It was worth every minute of the pain (and yes it was painful!)  I am covered in tattoos... and even though it may not look like it... I hate getting tattooed!

 Here I am ready to start... 

Getting the outline done... Its been a long time since I have had a large tattoo done and the outline hurt really bad for the first few minutes... but thankfully I get used to it pretty fast!!!

And here it is :)  My take on the famous Rosie the Riveter WWII icon.  Ive always liked her and Im thankful that Jason (my co worker who did my tattoo for me) was able to make her into the old school type of tattoo that I love!  Clean lines and bright colours.. I couldn't be happier with her!  Shes been a long time coming!

Feb 2/12 - losing in all the wrong places!

I bought a new bra yesterday. Size 34C. 

This whole weight loss journey has been about getting smaller and losing inches... But to be able to fit into a 34C hurts my heart.  

I didn't have much in the breast area growing up... Even as a teenager I was lucky if I was a B Cup. I didn't start to develop until I started having kids. The more kids I had, the more weight I put on... The bigger my breasts would get. 

Before surgery I was a 40F.  I guess I felt like it was my best feature. Now I am a VERY deflated 34C.  It makes me real sad. I can deal with the saggy skin pretty much everywhere else but I hate my breasts. 

I guess I'm having a bad day. After being in so much pain with my gallbladder  ... By the way the clinic was closed yesterday so I have to go back today at 5.... And then shopping for smaller bras... And then watching the show called "My 600 Pound Life" I guess I've put myself in a bit of a funk :(

That show is really good. Ive only seen one episode but they followed a lady named Melissa for 7 years through her Gastric Bypass Journey ... Her starting weight was around 650 pounds and she got down to around 157... An then back up to 214 by the end.  They showed her going through surgery, and then through skin removal... Depression... Complications... Losing a baby... Having a cheating husband...

So much for one person to go through... Yet she did it. Amazing. Definitely an inspiration. And after watching what she had to go through... My self image issues seem pretty stupid in comparison!!!!

I have so much to be thankful for ... I really shouldn't waste time on the       "woe is me" crap!  

Annnddd..... I'm done. 

Feb 1/12 - Hernia??? Hematoma????

I am 9 days out from having my Gallbladder removed.  For the most part I am feeling better and my incisions on my stomach are healing nicely...

BUT the one they did inside my bellybutton is sooooo sore!  It hurts to wear pants, its horrible to lay on my side, going from a sitting to as standing position it so painful... it feels like pulling and burning, and when I lay down there is a huge hard lump behind it. 

I'm probably over reacting ... but Google answers scared the crap out of me!!!  Everyone told me this surgery would be a breeze.. and I guess compared to Gastric Bypass it was.. but I honestly thought I would be feeling so much better than what I am... especially after 9 days!

TMI sorry..... A few days ago I finally had to go #2.. after not going for almost 6 days.... it was painful and I strained A LOT to get it out... I'm worried maybe Ive caused a hernia... (ps.. I am now dealing with the complete opposite of being constipated... and I really dont know whats worse!!!)

The other thought is maybe a hematoma... but either way it is not fun!  I'm going to the walk in after work today just to be on the safe side... Again I'm afraid of looking foolish if its nothing.. but look what happened last time!!!

I will update later today!